Tory council makes homelessness basically illegal

Tory-run Westminster City Council, the richest council in the UK, is proposing a byelaw to make it illegal to “lie down or sleep on any public place” and is to ban charities giving homeless people free food.

I’m a strong believer in giving to charity – in that I’m 99% certain other people do it. But I think I have a right to not have to look at homeless people. Independent research carried out in my mind suggests that looking at a homeless person actually lowers the value of your house by 0.2%. That’s why it’s such great news that the Tory Westminster Council are planning to effectively make homelessness (and free food handouts) illegal in a large area around Westminster Cathedral, a known hotspot for rough sleepers, charitable work and, most likely, homeless Al Qaeda terrorists using free soup handouts to build one of those dreaded Minestrone Bombs.

What others call “idiotic” I prefer to think of as “clear-minded”. This is one of the more clear-minded Tory initiatives I’ve come across. It’s a simple answer to a complex problem: first, you reduce government funding for homeless charities by 30%, then you make being homeless illegal. Eventually, homeless people will realise their non-legal status and disappear in a puff of logic.

Of course, not everyone’s happy about it. A spokesperson for the extremist militant group 'the Salvation Army’ said "rather than intimidating rough sleepers to retreat into back alleyways, to hide away in refuse containers, or to squat in derelict buildings, the answer is to give them somewhere to stay." Firstly, last time I checked, I think prison counts as a ‘place to stay’. Secondly – they don’t have to ‘squat in derelict buildings’ – they could just as easily lie down or perch, removing a significant strain to their thighs. Thirdly, of course the Salvation Army don’t like this law – they have a vested interest in helping homeless people.

I actually think this byelaw is a great starting point for solving lots of complex problems. For example, surely if the budget deficit was made illegal, it couldn’t exist? Unless…unless the deficit became an outlaw, and escaped into the countryside on horseback, creeping into people’s homes at night to increase their levels of debt…it might make me poor – Jesus Shit! I might lose my golden slippers, my vials of swan blood – my tea towels made of Shakespeare folios. I might lose my house! That would be horrible!