Coulson resigns

Coulson making his statement yesterday morning

Now cracks a noble heart. “I’m sad Coulson felt compelled to quit” said David Cameron, echoing the views of the nation. "He was doing his best," a government insider said, their voice cracking slightly. Perhaps the most poignant words came from Coulson himself, however, as he remarked in a defiant but quavering voice - "it's time to move on", looking toward the sunset outside No 10, a single tear rolling down his princely cheek.

He was a great PR man (he managed to convince the nation that George Osborne is an adult), and we will look for his coming in the Downing Street press office in vain. 

I think it’s shameful that people are victimising Andy Coulson for something we can’t know for sure he did. It would be fairer, for example, to victimise him for choosing to edit the News of the World at all. This is, after all, the paper that confused being a paediatrician with being a paedophile, leading to one woman being attacked in 2000. 

It was this kind of thinking that led Coulson to some embarrassing moments in government, such as when he believed being a ‘spin doctor’ meant he was actually a qualified doctor, resulting in him giving Michael Gove a near-deadly prescription of hypochlorous acid. The scandal passed, and Gove eventually regained the use of his legs, but most importantly Coulson learnt a lesson about knowing what words mean before acting upon them. Personally, I’ve never subscribed to that school of thought, and remain a hermaphrodite about it.

The real problem facing the Tories now is that it’s lost its best PR man. Take a look at this photo of David Cameron, before Coulson was able to photoshop it:

Cameron at his Witney constituency

That’s just not going to play well with the Islington elite. And now with Coulson gone, Cameron has to temporarily handle his own PR. Word-Happener has heard from trusted sources some of the PR initiatives Cameron has come up with on his own. Blogs are of course highly reliable news sources, being the virtual equivalent of a wall someone has graffitied “Bazzer is gay” on. Here are some Cameron PR initiatives, which will be a hard sell without the noble lion of PR:

-  Rebrand ‘money’ as ‘Care Points’. That way, when a banker gives himself a bonus of ‘7 million Care Points’, they just sound really lovely.

- Rebrand the upcoming lack of NHS beds to lie down on as "vertical health solutions". 

- Cut the army. I mean all of it. Defence spending is £32 billion a year. The army will be replaced by Cameron’s vision of the ‘Rush Hour Militia’. By asking hard-working families to give up an hour or two before rush hour each day to be involved in various land conflicts, he will “hand responsibility – and a Glock 19 – to local mothers, fathers and citizens”. As Cameron will put it, “mother knows best”, for example when it comes to launching a tactical assault on a heavily fortified enemy forward flank.