Predictions for 2011

It's the time of the year when newspapers print reams of pages predicting what will happen in the coming year, bravely moving away from a 'news' focus into a sort of 'bullshit' vibe. One of the things readers won't know about me, however, is I'm a genuinely gifted futurologist. I got into the game fulltime after my asbestos business went bust.

Ladies and gentlemen - behold, the future!

Prediction #1

* It’ll be the year of iPad apps. In February the app makers DigiSolutions will release an iPad app that can digitally replace a human bow tie. “Going to a dinner party? Forgot a bow tie? Welcome to iTie.” The software consists HD image of a bow tie, which the user holds up to his neck. It will sell for £2.99 and will be downloaded over a 750 million times. In April, the iTie SX will come out, allowing you to choose between four different colours of bow tie. Eventually, the company branches out into hats, shoes and contraception.

Prediction #2

* David Cameron will personally launch a new government scheme to create a series of magic rings - five for the dwarf lords, seven for the elves and nine for men. Part of the initiative will involve the further creation of an extra “big” ring, which Cameron shall wield. The objective, as he will announce at a press conference surrounded by young supporters, is to give him power over all the free peoples in the land and create a never-ending darkness wherein the living shall envy the dead. After the initial announcement, the government will downscale its plans due to pressure from academics, care workers and wizards. Ed Miliband will be unavailable for comment, but will later remark that the government should be “careful” with such schemes.

Prediction #3

* You’ll be able to download celebrities. The hadron collider in Switzerland will finally achieve something useful, and crack atom-reassembling through digital transfer – in layman’s terms, you’ll be able to beam the real Justin Bieber into your home, relatively cheaply. Unfortunately, the service will soon be abused by rich students with laptops and boats, who repeatedly summon Amanda Holden into the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Illegal downloading will also become a problem, with JLS being downloaded for free and kept in a closet by a 15-year-old in Stevenage. They will be forced to sing for scraps and water, before JB manages to escape and run for help.