Daily Mail - Gay lessons to be taught in schools

Actual exam paper

Melanie Phillips, a tireless campaigner for sanity, wrote in the Daily Mail today about how “the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby” means “schoolchildren are to be bombarded with homosexual references in maths, geography and ­science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the gay agenda.” That’s right. Homosexuality is now mandatory for schoolchildren.

The lesson plans are being made available online for schools who choose to download them, so technically it’s only ‘mandatory’ in the same way that Doodle Jump is mandatory. But you know what it’s like – if something is available to download, you basically have to download it. That, at least, is my defence for the ‘horse_slut.mpg’ controversy I was involved in a while back.

Now, Word-Happener is no enemy of the gays. I once accidentally bought some moisturising peach-scented handwash from Waitrose, and I actually used it in the guest bathroom. So I think I understand the queers. Therefore, as a neutral observer, I can see that Melanie Phillips isn’t implying that homosexuality is morally wrong – it’s just that mentioning it to schoolchildren is an “abuse of childhood”. In the same way that answering questions about bird migration for my Maths GCSE made me, for a short time, develop feathers and create a nest in the lower-sixth common room, if we say the word ‘gay’ too much around kids they might become gay. Or – worse - gay birds.

Melanie Phillips makes the very valid point that this initiative would “destroy the concept of normal sexual behaviour”.  Mmm baby, that kinda talk turns me on…I’d love to get a cheap motel room with Phillips, make a list of all the most scintillatingly standard sexual practices and do them for a sexily average amount of time. If I apply heterosexual maths to sexual statistics, I predict I would orgasm in 4.7 minutes. Melanie baby, are you ready for my jelly? It's very run-of-the-mill.

And she’s got a point about how we’ve turned against the normal ethics of sexuality. “Expressing what used to be the moral norm of Western civilisation” will now get you into trouble. Exactly. I’d like to hear what the Ancient Greeks would think about all this gay sex. Besides, if LGBT people want to change social norms they should do it through something other than education, like…er…You know. Declaring war or something.

Of course, the best defence against this kind of silliness is to deny there is such a thing as LGBT people. As the user ‘lord_summerisle’ says on the Daily Telegraph comments page for this story – “I seriously doubt that the LGTB community actually exists”. Well said, your Lordship. So when Sue Sanders, of the LGBT pressure group Schools Out tries to defend what is basically gay Nazism by saying “all we are attempting to do is remind teachers that LGBT people are part of the population”, we can simply all look puzzled and ask “what people?”.