Police funding cut by 20%

Finally, someone did it. Someone cut police funding. In the Commons a few hours ago, a brave government majority approved a cut of 20% to police forces in England and Wales. The Association of Police Authorities said this will do long-term damage to policing capabilities - but I couldn't hear them over the sound of the party poppers I was letting off.

The police – arguably the laziest public service – have had this coming for a long while. Here are some facts about police wastage:

• 99% of police time is spent being extras in the TV series The Bill. It’s not even on anymore!

• 100% of all solved crimes are either committed by, or solved by, the police. A chilling statistic.

• Despite having sold 30 million copies of the single Roxanne, The Police have consistently failed to chart in Canada.

Now, David Cameron promised on a TV show before the election that there would be no frontline cuts to the police. But the producer of that show, who was probably Greg Dyke, cut away from Cameron just as he mouthed – ‘but I will cut them by 20%’.  The Association of Police Authorities says this will cut frontline police. Indeed, the Association of Police Authorities said this will do "long term damage to policing capability". But if the Association of Police Authorities was worth listening to, surely I’d have bothered to look up who they are?

The thing that the dope-smoking, police-loving liberal left don’t understand is these are necessary cuts, given the state of the economy. No matter how much they permanently destabilise law and order. After a recession, common sense tells you that the way you run a country’s finance is exactly the same as the way you run your household finance. If your household is overspending, then you destroy a part of your house.

And that’s the thought I want to leave you with. Complex problems demand simple solutions.

Take the ancient riddle “if a tree falls in the woods, and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” My answer would be to privatise that wood, cut it down and have it turned into a shopping centre, because the trees are all weird and philosophical. And since when have trees been any good at fighting crime, anyway? Everyone is an idiot. 

Daily Mail - Gay lessons to be taught in schools

Actual exam paper

Melanie Phillips, a tireless campaigner for sanity, wrote in the Daily Mail today about how “the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby” means “schoolchildren are to be bombarded with homosexual references in maths, geography and ­science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the gay agenda.” That’s right. Homosexuality is now mandatory for schoolchildren.

The lesson plans are being made available online for schools who choose to download them, so technically it’s only ‘mandatory’ in the same way that Doodle Jump is mandatory. But you know what it’s like – if something is available to download, you basically have to download it. That, at least, is my defence for the ‘horse_slut.mpg’ controversy I was involved in a while back.

Now, Word-Happener is no enemy of the gays. I once accidentally bought some moisturising peach-scented handwash from Waitrose, and I actually used it in the guest bathroom. So I think I understand the queers. Therefore, as a neutral observer, I can see that Melanie Phillips isn’t implying that homosexuality is morally wrong – it’s just that mentioning it to schoolchildren is an “abuse of childhood”. In the same way that answering questions about bird migration for my Maths GCSE made me, for a short time, develop feathers and create a nest in the lower-sixth common room, if we say the word ‘gay’ too much around kids they might become gay. Or – worse - gay birds.

Melanie Phillips makes the very valid point that this initiative would “destroy the concept of normal sexual behaviour”.  Mmm baby, that kinda talk turns me on…I’d love to get a cheap motel room with Phillips, make a list of all the most scintillatingly standard sexual practices and do them for a sexily average amount of time. If I apply heterosexual maths to sexual statistics, I predict I would orgasm in 4.7 minutes. Melanie baby, are you ready for my jelly? It's very run-of-the-mill.

And she’s got a point about how we’ve turned against the normal ethics of sexuality. “Expressing what used to be the moral norm of Western civilisation” will now get you into trouble. Exactly. I’d like to hear what the Ancient Greeks would think about all this gay sex. Besides, if LGBT people want to change social norms they should do it through something other than education, like…er…You know. Declaring war or something.

Of course, the best defence against this kind of silliness is to deny there is such a thing as LGBT people. As the user ‘lord_summerisle’ says on the Daily Telegraph comments page for this story – “I seriously doubt that the LGTB community actually exists”. Well said, your Lordship. So when Sue Sanders, of the LGBT pressure group Schools Out tries to defend what is basically gay Nazism by saying “all we are attempting to do is remind teachers that LGBT people are part of the population”, we can simply all look puzzled and ask “what people?”. 

Coulson resigns

Coulson making his statement yesterday morning

Now cracks a noble heart. “I’m sad Coulson felt compelled to quit” said David Cameron, echoing the views of the nation. "He was doing his best," a government insider said, their voice cracking slightly. Perhaps the most poignant words came from Coulson himself, however, as he remarked in a defiant but quavering voice - "it's time to move on", looking toward the sunset outside No 10, a single tear rolling down his princely cheek.

He was a great PR man (he managed to convince the nation that George Osborne is an adult), and we will look for his coming in the Downing Street press office in vain. 

I think it’s shameful that people are victimising Andy Coulson for something we can’t know for sure he did. It would be fairer, for example, to victimise him for choosing to edit the News of the World at all. This is, after all, the paper that confused being a paediatrician with being a paedophile, leading to one woman being attacked in 2000. 

It was this kind of thinking that led Coulson to some embarrassing moments in government, such as when he believed being a ‘spin doctor’ meant he was actually a qualified doctor, resulting in him giving Michael Gove a near-deadly prescription of hypochlorous acid. The scandal passed, and Gove eventually regained the use of his legs, but most importantly Coulson learnt a lesson about knowing what words mean before acting upon them. Personally, I’ve never subscribed to that school of thought, and remain a hermaphrodite about it.

The real problem facing the Tories now is that it’s lost its best PR man. Take a look at this photo of David Cameron, before Coulson was able to photoshop it:

Cameron at his Witney constituency

That’s just not going to play well with the Islington elite. And now with Coulson gone, Cameron has to temporarily handle his own PR. Word-Happener has heard from trusted sources some of the PR initiatives Cameron has come up with on his own. Blogs are of course highly reliable news sources, being the virtual equivalent of a wall someone has graffitied “Bazzer is gay” on. Here are some Cameron PR initiatives, which will be a hard sell without the noble lion of PR:

-  Rebrand ‘money’ as ‘Care Points’. That way, when a banker gives himself a bonus of ‘7 million Care Points’, they just sound really lovely.

- Rebrand the upcoming lack of NHS beds to lie down on as "vertical health solutions". 

- Cut the army. I mean all of it. Defence spending is £32 billion a year. The army will be replaced by Cameron’s vision of the ‘Rush Hour Militia’. By asking hard-working families to give up an hour or two before rush hour each day to be involved in various land conflicts, he will “hand responsibility – and a Glock 19 – to local mothers, fathers and citizens”. As Cameron will put it, “mother knows best”, for example when it comes to launching a tactical assault on a heavily fortified enemy forward flank.  

Bill to scrap EMA approved in Commons

The Daily Mail has published a very thoughtful article by Jan Moir defending the scrapping of EMA (as well as an article about how breasts are “getting bigger” - a very serious biological think piece with great photographs).

Her argument is targeted against people like the “beautiful young woman” who she saw arguing for EMA on Newsnight. Firstly, I’m glad to see Moir is liberated enough to follow the Mail in being unable to mention a young woman without coming across as a pervy retired colonel at a supermarket checkout. Secondly, Moir is right to suggest that the girl “has probably never sliced a breaded gammon nor combed out a perm in her life”. I’m not sure what the stats are on gammon-slicing (Labour’s probably suppressed them), or quite what Moir’s point is, but it has an unsettling ring of truth about it. Thirdly, Moir’s right to slam Labour’s denial that EMA is a waste of money. Labour would probably even deny that breasts are getting bigger, if they thought it would win them an election. So let’s just take these non-gammon-slicing, breast-growth refuseniks to task.

“Under-18s are outraged that they might have to pay for their own beer, ciggies and Pret A Manger sandwiches. What do we want? Crayfish and mayo. When do we want it? Now!” Moir’s portrayal of today’s youth would be outrageous, if it were true. So I think it probably is true. Just to be clear - I wasn’t like that when I claimed EMA. Who the fuck buys crayfish when Pret do warm meatball wraps? I had principles. Juicy, spicy principles with melted cheese on top. But I used to see these other young fat cats – some of them in households earning as much as £33,000 – riding into college in carriages made out of gold and hypocrisy, swan blood dribbling from their mouths as they sang The People’s Flag.

Moir’s single, powerful argument is that EMA is an “expensive flop” designed to keep young people “off the unemployment register”. Too right. I suppose another way of putting it is that it keeps young people in education rather than on the dole, but I question whether we really want it that way round. This is a time of record youth unemployment, so young people clearly find something attractive about being unemployed. Let them have what they want.

Secondly, Moir’s right that EMA’s expensive. The IFS (probably at the behest of Greg Dyke or someone like that) did say the cost of EMA is “more than recouped by the increase in productivity” it provides. But the IFS is itself, most likely, run by paedophiles. And I have yet to see one report from the IFS on the recent shocking growth in breast size.

So, there you have it. I’m not saying that supporters of EMA are basically worse than Hitler. I’m writing it. The fact that I benefitted from it doesn’t mean I’m kicking the ladder out from underneath me. I’m just saying the ladder shouldn’t have been there in the first place, and the ladder is morally wrong. And how are ladders going to help anyone through education anyway? The world’s gone mad.

Predictions for 2011

It's the time of the year when newspapers print reams of pages predicting what will happen in the coming year, bravely moving away from a 'news' focus into a sort of 'bullshit' vibe. One of the things readers won't know about me, however, is I'm a genuinely gifted futurologist. I got into the game fulltime after my asbestos business went bust.

Ladies and gentlemen - behold, the future!

Prediction #1

* It’ll be the year of iPad apps. In February the app makers DigiSolutions will release an iPad app that can digitally replace a human bow tie. “Going to a dinner party? Forgot a bow tie? Welcome to iTie.” The software consists HD image of a bow tie, which the user holds up to his neck. It will sell for £2.99 and will be downloaded over a 750 million times. In April, the iTie SX will come out, allowing you to choose between four different colours of bow tie. Eventually, the company branches out into hats, shoes and contraception.

Prediction #2

* David Cameron will personally launch a new government scheme to create a series of magic rings - five for the dwarf lords, seven for the elves and nine for men. Part of the initiative will involve the further creation of an extra “big” ring, which Cameron shall wield. The objective, as he will announce at a press conference surrounded by young supporters, is to give him power over all the free peoples in the land and create a never-ending darkness wherein the living shall envy the dead. After the initial announcement, the government will downscale its plans due to pressure from academics, care workers and wizards. Ed Miliband will be unavailable for comment, but will later remark that the government should be “careful” with such schemes.

Prediction #3

* You’ll be able to download celebrities. The hadron collider in Switzerland will finally achieve something useful, and crack atom-reassembling through digital transfer – in layman’s terms, you’ll be able to beam the real Justin Bieber into your home, relatively cheaply. Unfortunately, the service will soon be abused by rich students with laptops and boats, who repeatedly summon Amanda Holden into the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Illegal downloading will also become a problem, with JLS being downloaded for free and kept in a closet by a 15-year-old in Stevenage. They will be forced to sing for scraps and water, before JB manages to escape and run for help.

A Way To Make 2011 More Bearable

When sitting down to watch a film, imagine you’re somebody who thinks the film is Ocean’s Eleven. You’re wondering when George Clooney is going to turn up and start robbing casinos, and you're confused about how the film is progressing so far. Perhaps cast about for the TV guide, a perplexed look on your face. Maybe check your watch. Perhaps think things like “God, they’re building up to Brad Pitt’s first scene in really weird way” or “Surely any moment A Little Less Conversation is gonna kick in and the wise-cracks will start”? Recommended films to do this with: Schindler’s List, Gandhi and Saw. 

Tuition Fees Protest

Thursday’s fees demonstration was the first protest I’d ever attended. Well, that’s not true. I once got a kebab shop in Stroud Green to stay open an extra ten minutes after a concert by ‘picketing’ it with fellow concertgoers. We even chanted ‘Yes We Can!’ as the harassed proprietor let us in. It was a victory for direct action, plus we all got burgers out of it. Democracy tasted good that night. I’d say Thursday’s protest was only slightly better organised. And seeing as the result of this protest was the government raising tuition fees anyway, and the result of the kebab protest was a delicious late night snack, I reckon the latter (Ti-YUM-anmen Square, as I really shouldn’t call it) wins out.

I didn’t have a clue what was going on on Thursday. When I arrived in Westminster at noon, I couldn’t figure out where the main, big, headline-news protest was. Online, there were conflicting Facebook events – the NUS were on Embankment, there was a march starting in Bloomsbury, and there were plans for a generic protest outside House of Commons. Checking the Coalition of Resistance website on my phone, the top story was something about a sit-in in a sixth form. This was presumably because whoever ran the website was on the march and had forgot to update the site. I actioned my ‘Permanent Plan B’—to get snacks.

The Tesco by Westminster tube held the first actual signs of a protest. A long queue of students and anarchisty-looking types were evidentially buying up kettling provisions. Mainly water, sausage rolls, mints (presumably bought by people hoping the spirit of cooperation brought about by a new age of protest would get them laid). In the queue, although I didn’t talk to my fellow protestors or make any eye contact whatsoever, I began to feel part of a movement of brothers. It was mainly a quite slow movement toward the checkout, sure. But in many senses it was also a movement towards freedom. Clutching my sandwich and five bags of mints, the words of Abraham Lincoln began to stir inside me - “government of the people…” For some reason the title music to The West Wing echoed in my mind, as I imagined holding a placard, perhaps in the manner of Delacroix’s lady Liberty, shouting some improvised slogan that sums up the spirit of the age, my bared breast catching the mid day sun as the riot police look on in fear, as the orcs did when Gandalf arrived at sun rise in Lord of the Rings. By the time the checkout girl asked me if I wanted cashback, I realised all the other protestors had gone. Perhaps Parliament Square is my best bet, I thought, and I arrived to the place devoid of protestors but full of riot police.

I saw several would-be protestors file in ones and two into Parliament Square, see there was no one there, and then sidle up to the police in a slightly sheepish manner asking where the protest was. The police helpfully told them most protestors would be in Parliament Square in an hour or so, with a roll of their eyes. This was pretty embarrassing, really. I couldn’t imagine Jesse Jackson strolling over to the cops in Selma asking them where everything was ‘going to kick off’.

This total lack of unified organisation on the part of the protestors, at this stage, put the police at ease. I saw two armed officers ‘guarding’ the muffin counter at Nero. As we all know, there are no public toilets anywhere on mainland Britain, so I used the Red Lion pub. To my surprise, the cubicle door opened showing an officer in full riot gear who had just finished, trying to get his utility belt back on. I stared into his eyes, he into mine. Protestor and riot cop. “God, that was a bit of a mission” he said, referencing the number of zips and belts he had to negotiate. “It’s out of bog roll, but there’s some more by the taps”. He left, leaving me a bit confused. “Screw you, The Man” I whispered tentatively.

Sure enough, things soon kicked off in Parliament Square. Thousands of students streamed in and started chanting, then some guys with scarves around their mouths started climbing on things. I don’t know when it was that all cunts decided to buy scarves, but there had clearly been a rush on at M&S that day and the prick brigade was out in force, with their lower faces running no risk of getting a chill. These two dozen or so hoodlums—that’s right, I’m not afraid to call them hoodlums—quickly started causing trouble. Some of them started burning things on top of a dumpster. I shouted at them to get down, and was drily labelled ‘a fuck’ by the lead wordsmith. In front of me, I saw twenty or so photographers rush to take pictures of them. Behind the photographers, thousands of students stood around placidly. I asked the photographers whether they would mind taking pictures of some protestors who “aren’t cunts”, a request which they dutifully ignored.

Then someone threw a glass bottle at the police, which missed my head by inches. At the same time I saw some mounted officers arriving just outside the square. I saw a fellow with a particularly nice woollen scarf collecting bricks to throw at the police. It was at about this point that I decided I’d done my bit for future generations, and that the microwave curry I had defrosting at home probably needed to be eaten soon anyway.

I felt some degree of shame at leaving my fellow protestors. But watching the news that night, seeing footage of the same scarf-wearing idiots from earlier, I decided they were more let down by lack of organisation than by me leaving to eat my curry. The thing about a mass protest is its impact is only going to be media-based. As such, image was the important thing. And the handful of scarfy twats burning things provided a more striking image than protesting peacefully. It’s obvious that scarf-wearing fire starter is a more interesting story than, say, a sixth-former holding a sign about the cutting of EMA. That’s why you have to provide an even more interesting but positive story of your own. Though an umbrella organisation, the Coalition of Resistance is united in wanting the most media impact possible. Through a combination of iPhones, customizable Google Maps and the huge sound system someone provided (which was only used to play drum and bass), it should have been possible to organise some eye-catching moments of direct action.

During the civil rights movement in the US, news footage of King’s supporters praying in the middle of the road whilst the police manhandled them sent a surge of sympathy through the country. That was aless media-savvy generation, without the technology we have now, protesting for a much broader and more complicated issue. The reason civil rights in the US and my kebab movement in Stroud Green were both so successful is that they can both rightly be portrayed as causes most people would sympathise with. I suppose the lesson is - if you’re hungry for change, you have to make other people hungry for change. Mmmmmm….change….